Bad thing #1
Our heroine, Hazel, walks in on her boyfriend having sex with her best friend. She’s understandably upset. But then she says this about the traitorous friend:
“She’s not even covering her private parts—she’s showing them off. Her wet, throbbing lips leak out some sultry juices I can’t help but be weirdly drawn in by.”
First of all, gross! Wet, throbbing, leaking lips DO NOT create a pretty mental picture. Second of all, this is not a normal reaction. No one in real life would be “drawn in” by the visible bodily fluids of the woman who is banging her boyfriend. But this is still at 1% of the story, so I endure and read on.
Bad thing #2
Still at 1% of the story, and this is Hazel’s inner monologue:
“He’s quite a bit older than me--in fact, he looks almost old enough to be my father.”
This is THE HERO she’s talking about! I have nothing against older man/younger woman relationships, but I NEVER want to read about a heroine who says the hero is old enough to be her father. No comparisons should EVER be made to the father. Again, gross! But still, I read on…
Bad thing #3
The hero claims his first thought upon seeing the heroine (for the first time) was:
“I’d love to have her come over here, straddle me, and ride my cock in public.”
She’s A STRANGER! I know dudes are visual, but Jesus, this seems extreme for someone you’ve only just seen from across a crowded room, doesn’t it?
Bad thing #4
The hero, Liam, goes along with the fake fiance thing to preserve the heroine’s dignity in front of the ex boyfriend who cheated on her and her bitchy ex friend. I’m fine with all that. But then they agree to go together to the cheaters’ housewarming party and continue the charade? Why on earth would anyone do that? You put them in their place once and made it clear that you weren’t a pathetic sad sack. Well played. Why continue the charade? Why give the cheating bastards another single second of your time and energy?
Bad thing #5
The ex best friend is a horrendous bitch who seems to delight in tormenting Hazel for absolutely no reason. I can’t STAND girl-on-girl hate for no good reason in romance novels.
Bad thing #6
The heroine masturbates while thinking about the hero, then the hero masturbates while thinking about the heroine. I have to read about it both times in great detail. I wouldn’t mind so much if it were happening later in the book. But this was going on at 2% of the story. Seems a little...sudden, doesn’t it? And one masturbation scene wasn’t enough? Two is overkill.
Bad thing #7
They’re having sex at 3% of the story. Seems super sudden and not very well thought-out, but I read on. Until I get to this:
“I slowly pull his boxer briefs down revealing the biggest cock I’ve ever seen. It’s comparable to that of a porn star’s. The sheer power his hard tool gave off was enough to get me to start drooling, something I’ve never done at the sight of a penis.”
“Don’t let that drool go to waste, Hazel,” he whispers to me.
And I’m out. It’s not enough to say that he’s well-endowed. No, he has to have this massive, porn star penis. And don’t even get me started on the “tool” thing. The whole sex scene reads like a 12-year-old boy wrote it. And drool is never sexy. Never.
Long-story-short, in case I haven’t made it abundantly clear, I wouldn’t wish this book on ANYONE. If you choose to read it anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Does this book contribute to or help crush the romance stigma?
It’s a sloppy drunk laying face-down in a gutter after a week-long bender. This book is the love child of Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen. It IS the romance stigma. No amount of rehab can save it.
Other reading suggestions
Check out our list of hot Irish heroes, and our best fake boyfriend reads. And if all else fails, check out our section of 5-star reads. Pretty much read anything BUT this book and you’ll be fine. (Save yourselves, people. It’s too late for me.)