Last week, I outed the romance heroes I wanted to nut-punch. This week, it’s the heroines’ turn. (Only, you know, without the nut-punching). So, without further ado, here are the heroines I pretty much never want to see again. Like, ever:
The one with a list
If you’ve read romance for any length of time, you know what I’m talking about. This is the heroine who wrote a stupid list, usually when she was a kid or teenager, and insists on living her adult life by that list. The list can be the goals she wants to accomplish along with a timeline, or it can be traits that make up the perfect man. Either way, it’s stupid, which makes HER stupid, and I have no tolerance for that kind of crap in my romance novels.
Stubborn to a fault
This is the one who has a serial killer after her, but she stomps her little foot and insists she doesn’t need a bodyguard because NO ONE TELLS HER WHAT TO DO. Stubbornness can sometimes be an attribute, but a good heroine knows when to put her stubbornness aside and do the smart, reasonable thing.
The one with the crappy sex life
When a romance heroine has had a terrible sex life and insists that the problem must be her, that SHE must be bad at sex without ever suspecting that MAYBE—just maybe—she’s had crappy partners, I hate her. I mean, I REALLY hate her. Like, I hate her so much that 9 times out of 10, I’ll DNF her ass right there. That goes double for the heroine who can’t get pregnant and assumes she’s infertile without ever having a test done, because SURELY it can’t be that her horrible ex boyfriend/husband/whatever is shooting blanks. (And, come on, we ALL know the horrible ex boyfriend/husband/whatever is shooting blanks. That’s just...law in romance land. Only the hero is studly enough to impregnate the impregnable.)
The heroine that is always sweet, positive, supportive, and good at everything she’s ever tried to do but is still super humble...yeah, I hate her, too. Real women have flaws. Paragons are boring.
Little Miss "Oh, I'm so plain"
I want to throat-punch the heroine who insists that she’s plain and ordinary, or even ugly while every male in the story says she’s the most beautiful creature who ever lived. (*cough*Bella Swan*cough) This heroine will often react with shock or disbelief and argue when anyone tries to tell her that she’s desirable.
The virgin desperate to lose her virginity
I’m not a huge fan of virgin heroines over the age of 25 unless there’s a VERY good reason for why they’re virgins. But I have even less tolerance for the heroine who has kept her virginity for years, only to be willing to all of a sudden toss it at the next willing penis she finds, simply because she’s ready to “get it over with.”
The one who doesn't understand what "Plus Size" is
The heroine who insists she’s fat, only to admit later that she’s a size 8 or 10? Screw you, honey! Size 8 or 10 is NOT FAT! The 2018 average US women’s dress size is 16. Note, I said AVERAGE.
The one who thinks stalking = love
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: stalking isn’t sexy. If he’s following you and spying on you, it’s not because he loves you. Get a restraining order. And a big dog. The end.
The impossible beauty
Everything about her is perfection. No pimples, no stretch marks, no saggy skin anywhere, no hairy legs, no visible roots in her hair, no morning breath, no eyebrows that are long overdue for plucking...I’m sorry to ruin your fantasy, guys, but women this perfect don’t exist in nature. Beauty takes some effort. It doesn’t come as easily to ANYONE as it does to some romance novel heroines. I want these women out of my romance novels, frankly. They’re making the rest of us feel bad about ourselves.
What about y’all? Any heroines you’d like to boot off the island? Let us know! We’d love to hear from you!
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