Handling negative reviews: Don’t become a cyber stalker

Guest post by Isabel Jordan (Reprinted with permission) 
For a self-published author, getting a negative review is like having someone tell you your kid’s ugly. And stupid. It hurts and you want to argue. You want to rage against the mouth-breathing, quarter-witted miscreant who dared disrespect your baby. But here are a few things to keep in mind before you decide to brush up on your cyber-stalking skills and formulate a plan to ruin a reviewer’s life:

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You’re in good company

There’s one thing all authors have in common: They’ve all received negative reviews. Don’t believe me? Well, how about this:

1. The Hunger Games  (Suzanne Collins): over 761 two- and one-star reviews on Amazon
2. The Passage (Justin Cronin): over 475 two- and one-star reviews on Amazon
3. It (Stephen King): over 96 two- and one-star reviews on Amazon
4. Bet Me (Jennifer Crusie): over 49 two- and one-star reviews on Amazon
5. Fifty Shades of Grey (EL James): over 9,429 two- and one-star reviews on Amazon

These are all best-selling authors, masters of their respective genres, with millions and millions of fans worldwide. Something tells me they aren’t crying themselves to sleep at night over these bad reviews. Kind of proves you can’t please everyone all the time, doesn’t it? And you can’t really ask for better company than these folks.

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Just because you CAN argue, doesn't mean you SHOULD

I have no doubt you could easily put the offending reviewer in his/her place. You’re a writer, for God’s sake. Executing a well-thought-out, witty rebuttal full of colorful vocabulary is second nature to you. But responding to—or otherwise engaging a reviewer—is a spectacularly bad idea.

No matter how perfect your response is, I guarantee you’ll only succeed in alienating readers and looking like an asshole. Keep your righteous indignation to yourself and be the bigger person. Trust me; you’ll thank me later.

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Credibility

In this day and age when reviews can be bought, having nothing but positive feedback on your novel looks a little suspicious. Since we all know there’s someone out there who hates everything, having a few negative reviews keeps you looking honest.

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Hey, at least it's a review

I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass and tell you bad reviews are better than positive ones. But I would argue that having a few bad reviews is better than having no reviews at all. Bad reviews mean people are reading your book and have strong feelings about it. I’ll take ire over apathy any day of the week.

​At the end of the day, writing is completely subjective. One person’s masterpiece is another’s piece of crap. Ignore the haters, lavish praise on your fans and feel good about the fact that you’ve done something most people only dream of: you wrote and published a novel.

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About the author

The normal:
Isabel Jordan writes because it's the only profession that allows her to express her natural sarcasm and not be fired. She is a paranormal and contemporary romance author. Isabel lives in the U.S. with her husband, 12-year-old son, a neurotic Shepherd mix, and a ginormous Great Dane mix named Jerkface. (Don't feel bad for Jerkface. He really is a jerk.)

The weird:
Now that the normal stuff is out of the way, here's some weird-but-true facts that would never come up in polite conversation. Isabel Jordan:

1. Is terrified of butterflies (don't judge...it's a real phobia called lepidopterophobia)
2. Is a lover of all things ironic (hence the butterfly on the cover of Semi-Charmed)
3. Is obsessed with Supernatural, Game of Thrones, and Dog Whisperer.
4. Hates coffee. Drinks a Diet Mountain Dew every morning.
5. Will argue to the death that Pretty in Pink ended all wrong. (Seriously, she ends up with the guy who was embarrassed to be seen with her and not the nice guy who loved her all along? That would never fly in the world of romance novels.)
6. Would eat Mexican food every day, if given the choice.
7. Reads two books a week in varied genres.
8. Refers to her Kindle as "the precious".
9. Thinks puppy breath is one of the best smells in the world.
10. Is a social media idgit. (Her husband had to explain to her what the point of Twitter was. She's still a little fuzzy on what Instagram and Pinterest do.)
11. Kicks ass at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.
12. Stole her tagline idea from her son. Her tagline idea was, "Never wrong, not quite right." She liked her son's idea better.
13. Breaks one vacuum cleaner a year because she ignores standard maintenance procedures (Really, you're supposed to empty the canister every time you vacuum? Does that seem excessive to anyone else?)
14. Is still mad at the WB network for cancelling Angel in 2004.
15. Can't find her way from her bed to her bathroom without her glasses, but refused eye surgery, even when someone else offered to pay. (They lost her at "eye flap". Seriously, look it up. Scary stuff.)

Feel free to stalk Isabel on the interwebs:
[email protected]
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