Hating My New Husband by BB Hamel

​CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE

Publication date: 01/1/2019
Kindle Unlimited: Yes
Cliffhanger: No

Hate is probably not a strong enough word to describe what I feel for the “hero” of this book, Davis. He’s a boil on the butt of humanity. A blight on the otherwise lovely world of romance novels. I wanted the book to end with him being publicly flogged and then castratrated so that he couldn’t breed. But since I figured that probably wasn’t how the book ended, I DNFd at 36%. Here’s what I encountered up until that point:

This is a “let’s get married so that I can get my green card” romance. (It’s a role-flipped version of The Proposal, pretty much)  Davis is from Canada (which I’m calling bullshit on, because I’m pretty sure jackasses like Davis don’t exist in Canada) and needs a wife to keep from getting deported. He thinks the heroine, Carly, is a good candidate since they knew each other in high school and she’s an actress. That makes sense, but I’m side-eyeing my Kindle pretty hard when instead of going to Carly and talking to her like a grown-up, Davis lures her to his home with a false advertisement for a job. So, right there I’m pissed that 1) Davis is a shady bastard, and 2) Carly shows up to a private residence based on a SUPER shady job listing that gives barely any details. (Are you stupid, Carly? Stranger danger? Ever heard of it?) At this point, I hate Davis and Carly, but I persevered, thinking maybe the story would get better.

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​From there, Carly, who is strapped for cash, agrees to the arrangement in exchange for 8 million dollars. I can almost understand why she agrees (I mean, that’s A LOT of money), until she gets the contract from Davis and sees that he’s added dumbass stipulations such as her having to cook for him and give him massages and please him in “various other way”. All the stupid clauses he’s added irritate her, but she almost immediately shrugs it off and signs the contract. My bullshit meter is ringing so loud at this point I can barely hear the enraged feminist in my head screaming for mercy. First of all, she’d already told Davis she had no intention of having sex with him, so the fact that she didn’t strike all that crap from the contract was completely idiotic. She has all the power in this arrangement. He’s the one about to be deported, not her. The fact that she did absolutely zero negotiating on her own behalf really pissed me off. And there isn’t a lawyer in the world who would put a vague “and other stuff” clause in a contract.

So, immediately after the wedding, Davis starts making stupid, alphahole “I own you now” comments to Carly and initiates sex, which she’s said she won’t have with him, but of course, being the doormat that she is, she almost immediately buckles.

But while all that was horrible and had me scowling at my Kindle in disgust, it was ultimately this little bit of Davis’s inner thoughts during a sex scene that made me tap out of this one (forgive the graphic nature of this quote):

“She pulls down my boxer briefs and I catch a surprised glint in her eyes when she takes my big cock in her hands. I’m thick and long, bigger than I bet she’s ever seen.”

If you do say so yourself, huh, Davis? What a humble guy.

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And then a little further down the page, in case you didn’t get the subtle hint that Davis is hung like a porn star:

“She can barely fit my big cock in her mouth…”

He goes on to shove himself down her throat until she gags a few times and glares up at him, because what romance novel is complete without a dude choking off a woman’s air? (Answer: all of them should be complete without this.)

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​Well, all I can say is that it’s a good thing you’re well-endowed, Davis, because honestly, I see no other reason why ANY woman would tolerate you for more than a nanosecond. $8 million wouldn’t be enough to keep me from killing Davis in his sleep.

It was then that I deleted this piece of crap off my Kindle. I deleted with extreme prejudice. And I might have taken a moment or two to glare at the crazy numbers of other reviewers who actually ENJOYED the book. (What the hell, guys? Did I read a different book than y’all did?)

Long-story-short, if I believed in book burning, this would be the first one I’d sacrifice. And this is all I have left to say to Davis:

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​Does this book contribute to or help crush the romance stigma?
There’s not enough rehab in the land to fix this one. It’s laying face-down in the gutter in a pile of its own vomit, and I wouldn't even turn it on it’s side to keep it from choking.

Other reading suggestions
Read ANYTHING else. Seriously. Anything.  ​

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Recommendations to wash the awful taste of this book out of your mouth

You’ll want to check out our enemies-to-lovers romance list and our nice-guy romance heroes list (Because Davis can LEARN a thing or ten from THESE guys). Heck, even the guys on our fake boyfriends list are WAY better than the douchenozel in today's review. If you’ve read all of those, let me know. There’s always more...

Love is war: The best enemies-to-lovers romances​

Nice romance guy heroes don't always finish last​

The sexiest fake boyfriends in romance​