Picture Perfect

CONTEMPORARY ROMANCE

Title: Picture Perfect
Author: Ella Fox
Publication date: 01/03/2014
Publisher: Amazon Digital Services
Kindle Unlimited: No
Cliffhanger: No
Rating: 1 out of 5

Amazon blurb
Flynn Rand spent the last decade as the lead singer of one of the world’s most famous bands. Although he's got a reputation as a player, he’s decided it’s time to find something real.

One look at a photo of Tessa Hamilton has him hooked.

Tessa Hamilton is a highly sought after celebrity photographer. And her teenage celebrity crush was Flynn Rand.

Now he’s offering her the professional opportunity of a lifetime, a job as the official photographer for the Renegade Saints’ farewell tour. Assuring herself that her teenage attraction to Flynn was just a puppy love thing of the past, Tessa takes the job.

But the explosive chemistry between them is immediate and powerful. Knowing the rock star life, though, Tessa is hesitant to explore their connection. Flynn has no intention of giving up, and intends to prove to her that they are meant to be together.

Can Flynn convince Tessa that their attraction to each other is the real thing?

My Review
Guys, I am on the WORST book streak that I’ve EVER been on right now. I can’t seem to pick a good book to save my life. Most of what I’ve read lately has been even too “meh” to review. But this one? Imma rant a bit, so hang with me, OK? 

First of all, I’m really picky about my rock star romances. I get super tired of hearing about how many groupies rock stars have banged. I understand that’s one of the main perks of being a rock star, but I don’t want to read about it. It makes me see the hero as a walking STD, and I don’t like that trait in my romance heroes. But this book seemed well-written enough (based on the blurb and sample), and the author is a USA Today bestseller, so I thought, what the hell. I’ll give it a go. 

I shouldn’t have tried to step out of my anti-rock star comfort zone. 

This one had so many issues for me that I can’t even put them all in paragraph form. I’m just going to list them all out:

• The Prologue. That’s right. My misgivings started in the prologue when the hero, onstage at his own concert (and sloppy drunk), locks eyes with our then teenaged heroine and feels like he needs to step-up his performance so that he doesn’t disappoint her. He feels an instant connection to her from the stage. While I’m sure this is every teenage girl’s fantasy, I’m not buying it. I mean, when I was 17, I was SURE I’d had an intense moment of eye-contact with Eddie Van Halen at a Van Halen concert, but in retrospect, I’m guessing the lights and flashing cameras and his concentration on, you know, playing music probably made it so he couldn’t see much of anything from his spot onstage. I’m guessing he didn’t REALLY see me. (Much to 17 year-old me’s dismay) Long-story-short: I’m calling bullshit on a big rock star spotting a teen nobody in the audience and singing an entire concert to her.
• The hero sees a photo of the heroine and decides he HAS TO HAVE HER. So, he hires her to be the band’s tour photographer. No one else on the tour wanted to see her portfolio or check out other photographers? Everyone was OK with the hero's dick making the call on who to hire for a really important job? Um...Ok.
• Holy insta-love, Batman. This dude’s ready to swear off all other women by chapter 2. I think I’d find that kind of intensity...creepy and stalkery. Here are the guy’s thoughts BEFORE HE EVEN SHAKES HER HAND THE FIRST TIME: ​

---

“I very seriously wondered if there was any scenario available that would make throwing her over my shoulder caveman style and running off with her to the closest bed for the next seven to ten days acceptable. Decorum prevailed and I reached my hand out to clasp hers. With that first touch I. Was. DONE. Ring the bell, sound the alarm, turn off the lights and lock the doors. Done.”

To which I would say, whoa, Criminal Minds, calm the eff down. I don’t want to end up as part of the woman suit you’re stitching together in your basement.

• I’m still having trouble comprehending why Flynn never let himself come with groupies. Why have meaningless sex with them at all if you were always planning to deny yourself an orgasm? Am I to believe you were waiting until you found that one special, magical Mary Sue vagina capable of making you give up your manwhoring ways? Weird. (And stupid)
• Flynn used to have group sex with the guy he considered his brother and they sometimes gave each other head? I’m perfectly fine with bisexuality, but not with a dude you think of as a brother! Gross! Keep that shit outside the family.
• So, if I’m understanding this book correctly, the meaning of true love is finding someone who gives you unparalleled orgasms, and shares your taste in movies and music? Wow, maybe I’ve been over complicating this whole love thing. I always assumed it was way harder than that.
• I got irritated with all the secondary characters that were introduced somewhere around the halfway point of the book. They served no purpose other than sequel bait. I had major issues with all of them, too, but it’s not worth discussing here. If I go down that rat hole, this rant might go on for days and I don’t want to subject you innocent folks to that. (Don’t say I never gave you anything. You’re welcome.)
• Endless mentions of Flynn’s past sexual escapades got old REAL FAST. We get it. He was a manwhore. No additional details necessary.
• Tessa had no worries about professionalism when she, within a day of meeting her new boss, was naked in his pool? Is the photography world a little more loosey-goosey than other professions? Seems suspect to me, though.
• There’s absolutely zero conflict in this story other than Tessa’s insecurity. I can’t even express my hatred of her wussy, whininess. I kind of wanted her to die at the end of the book.   
• And speaking of wanting her dead, there’s a point when Flynn doesn’t call Tessa for 5 days. She breaks up with him over text, then changes her number. Seriously? What are you, thirteen? Dude was busy. Leave him alone for a couple of days.
• Weird dialogue. Lots of it. But here are a couple of examples.
  

---

"I want to join myself to you."

(Note: If anyone ever said this to me, I’d snicker, then say, um, no.)
​

"She covets you. Quietly and with dignity."

(Note: Can you think of any young, American rock stars who would be caught dead saying crap like this? No, I couldn’t either.)

And that’s to say nothing of all the typos. I’m not a grammar Nazi, so I don’t normally even comment on stuff like that, but it was so egregious here that even I was highlighting errors. It became a game after a while. Finding the errors was way more fun than reading the story. How sad is that?

Long-story-short: No. Just...no. Read at your own risk and don’t say I didn’t warn you.  

Does this book contribute to or help crush the romance stigma?
Contributes on EVERY FRONT. This is the Charlie Sheen of books. No amount of rehab can save it.

​​Other reading suggestions
My list of beloved rock star romances is kinda on the short side, but for what I consider to be AWESOME rock star love stories, try the Stage Dive series by Kylie Scott, and Beat by Vi Keeland.

---