The Romance Rehab guide to talking about sex without getting weird about it

The official list of words and phrases we NEVER want to read again in romance novels
 
We get it. In the writing world, few things are harder (Ha! Get it? See what we did there?) to create than an engaging sex scene. As authors, particularly you romance authors out there, you are forced to walk a dangerously thin tightrope when it comes to writing these scenes. Write a classy, “fade to black before penetration” sex scene and some readers feel cheated. Write a realistic sex scene using clinical, accurate terminology and it ends up reading like an instructional manual.

The sweet spot (Ha! We did it again. We’re on fire over here) is somewhere in between the two extremes. But in the quest for realistic and titillating sex scenes, some authors get a little too creative (in our opinion) with terminology, causing things to get...weird. Since we read a lot (like, seriously, a lot) here at Romance Rehab, we’re pretty sure we can help you authors find that sex scene sweet spot. Here is a quick cheat-sheet of words and phrases we’ve come across that we’d be happy to never see again in books (or anywhere else for that matter):

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Pole ​(when used to reference male genitalia)
​Strippers dance on a pole. You raise a flag up a pole. Flick, the little boy in ​A Christmas Story got his tongue stuck to a pole in the dead of winter. ​A penis is NOT a pole.

Alternatives: Penis, cock, manhood, erection, length, shaft

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Fleshy folds ​(when used to reference female genitalia)
​Folds is OK, but...fleshy? I think it’s safe to say that no woman wants any part of her anatomy to be described as fleshy.

​Alternatives: Vagina, pussy, pussy lips, slit, labia, folds (without the gross adjective preceding it)

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Staff  ​(when used to reference male genitalia)
​​Moses carried a staff. People that work for you are your staff. A penis is NOT a staff.

​Alternatives: (See above: acceptable alternatives to “pole”)

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Bulbous ​(when used to describe the head of the penis)
​It’s just an ugly word. It sounds like a weird, rare kind of fatty tumor, or something. ​

​Alternatives: ​How about we just call a spade a spade and say “head of his penis”?

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Most sensitive/secret place (when used to reference female genitalia)
This sounds like something I’d find in a Judy Blume novel. ​(Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret, and I’m in my most secret place) It’s juvenile.

​Alternatives: (See above: acceptable alternatives to “fleshy folds”)

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Female genitalia described ​as “drooling”
Ew. Just...ew. There is nothing ​(I repeat, NOTHING) sexy about drool.

​Alternatives: ​Wet, moist, slick, dripping

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“Evidence of womanly desire”
This is just so...roundabout. Why use four words when one will do the trick?

Alternatives: (See above: acceptable alternatives to “drooling”)

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“Feminine/hardened bud of desire”
Again, this is a lot of unnecessary words to describe one little part ​of the female anatomy.

​Alternatives: Clit, clitoris

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Penises described as “kicking”
Soccer players kick. ​Penises DO NOT kick. If you know someone with this problem, take them to the emergency room because something is seriously wrong.

​Alternatives: Throb, jerk, pulse

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Ravage/plunder
Unless you’re a pirate on the high seas or a Viking, you don’t plunder and/or ravage anything.

​Alternatives: Take, fuck, make love

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Loins (when used to describe ​male or female genitalia)
Unless you’re at the grocery store picking up some pork for dinner, we don’t want to hear this word.

​Alternatives: (See above: acceptable alternatives to...just about everything)

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“Velvet-covered manhood”
Sounds like lint would be a problem, no? ​

Alternatives: (See above, acceptable alternatives to "pole" or "staff")

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Girth (used to describe anything, ​but especially ​a penis)
​This word has an alternate definition in Webster’s as ​“a band attached to a saddle, used to secure it on a horse by being fastened around its belly.” I don’t really want to think about this during a sex scene in a book I’m reading.

Alternatives: Breadth, width, circumference

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“Hardened points of desire”
If you don’t see why this is weird, we really can’t help you.

​Alternatives: Nipples

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“Feminine mound” ​(used to describe female genitalia)
Sounds like something you’d find at a women’s softball game.

​Alternatives: (See above: acceptable alternatives to “fleshy folds”)

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What about all of you romance reades out there? Read anything weird in a sex scene lately? Let us know. We’d love to hear from you.