Top 9 things that need to change about romance novel sex scenes. Like, NOW

I want to smack the crap out of people who call sex scenes in romance novels “the good parts.” There’s so much more to romance novels than the sex scenes. But that’s a different rant entirely. And while there are tons of great romance novels out there with truly beautiful, sexy, erotic, and emotional sex scenes, there are an unfortunate number of stories out there with sex scenes that I tend to cringe about and skip over. Sadly, I’ve seen enough of these things to write an entire rant about them…

Weird descriptions
We actually came up with a list of words and phrases we never want to see in romance novels again. I literally cringe every time one of them pops up in a book I’m reading. Why an author would EVER use the words weeping, drooling, leaking, or sopping to describe a vagina is beyond me. Weeping and leaking are words you use to describe festering sores, not vaginas. And drooling and sopping are just icky. Don’t even get me started on “velvet covered manhood. There’s only one thing that makes me think of: lint. Lint is not sexy, and velvet attracts A LOT of lint.

That’s...logistically complicated
Sex on a horse, sex in a tiny closet/airplane bathroom, sex in a tiny sports car, sex on the shower floor WHILE THE WATER IS ON...these are all things that most likely won’t end well. I even read one sex scene between two vampires who had sex while they were flying over the city. (Not in a plane, mind you, because, you know, vampires. Think about it for a minute. Yep. Figuring out how that one worked will give you a headache.) These are the kinds of things that result in sex injuries because having sex in these kinds of places is logistically super complicated. Wouldn’t it just be better to wait?

Speaking of waiting…
I almost gave up on  an entire subgenre of romance  because the heroes and heroines seemed so inclined to stop and have sex while serial killers, assassins and/or government agencies hunted them. Sometimes they even had sex while bullets whizzed by their heads. I’m sorry, but even if I’m trapped in a foxhole that’s under enemy fire with Hugh Jackman, I’m not going to be thinking about how to get into his pants. I’m going to be thinking about using him as a human shield so that I can avoid getting shot. (Sorry Hugh. Love ya! Bygones.)

That’s...not possible
Much like I hate logistically complicated sex in my romance novels, I hate it when the math doesn’t work out in sex scenes. I’m talking about the hero who has his weight resting on his elbows while he’s on top of the heroine, but somehow he still manages to touch the heroine’s face, rub her clit, and pinch her nipples. Just how many hands does this guy have??? Did he bring friends in to help while the heroine wasn’t looking? Geez, that creeps me out.

Not In the Cervix!!!
To the dude who thrusts so hard that the heroine can feel his penis pushing into her cervix, I say, BACK THE FUCK UP!!! If this happens to you, ladies, grab a fistfull of the dude’s balls and twist until he gets OUT OF YOUR CERVIX!!

STDs are real
To me, anytime I hear “playboy” or “ladies’ man” in a romance novel, I automatically think “syphilis-ridden manwhore.” So when a heroine decides, in the heat of the moment, to have unprotected sex with a former manwhore (usually because she “wants to feel him with nothing between them”), I want to smack her. And I want to smack him for agreeing to having sex without a condom, knowing how many hordes of potentially syphilis-ridden women he was with before he “fell in love” with the heroine and changed his manwhore ways. Condoms, people! Use them.

Penis size
Hero penises in romance novels range in size from above average all the way up to giant, porn-star-sized, “holy crap that thing will never fit in me” huge. (Note: and for the heroine’s ex-husband, boyfriend, whatever, the sizes range from below average to teeny-tiny.) This seems to be some kind of law in romance land. I’m not sure why. In fact, I’m not even sure why we’re discussing penis size in romance novels at all. The real question is: is he any good with it? If the answer is yes, I’m not really all that concerned with the size. And if I’m reading good sex, I’ll probably just assume the hero’s penis is of adequate size without being told so. But frankly, all I know for sure is that I’m getting tired of reading about all these heroes with their huge penises. Statistically speaking, at least a few of them have to have average penises.

It’s Not That Easy...Is It?
Look, I’m not here to judge. I know there are plenty of women out there who enjoy anal sex, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’m not one of them, though. But even though I’m no expert, I have to think that lube (and I mean real lube, not “her own juices” or hand lotion...and before you ask, YES I’ve read both) is necessary, and that for a woman’s first attempt at anal, everything might not go super smoothly. So, depictions of women in romance novels enjoying lubeless anal sex for the very first time simply because the hero rubbed her clit while shoving his porn-star-sized penis all the way into her anus never fail to trip my bullshit meter (And, frankly, make my sphincter tighten up. Sorry for the TMI, folks).  

Unrealistic virgin sex
Rarely  do women recall their first sexual experience as a great one. It’s usually awkward, painful, and messy.  But somehow, virgins in romance novels seem to have a “quick pinch” of pain, followed by multiple orgasms. They’re usually not even sore afterwards. It’s magic! (And don’t even get me started on “she felt something tear”, or “he felt a barrier”, then there was nothing but extreme pleasure.) If you don’t want to infuse the scene with a little truth, then don’t write virgin sex scenes. And that’s all I have to say about that.

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Anything you’d like to add? What say you? Speak now, or forever hold your peace!