Why some of the best book boyfriends would make lousy real life boyfriends

6/10/2019

while back, we talked about why Dean Winchester (aka: Jensen Ackles, aka: my future second husband) would make an awesome book boyfriend but a lousy real life one. We also had a similar conversation about Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead (But with Daryl, let’s face it, he’d need some serious clean-up before you’d welcome into your home on a regular basis, which would make having a relationship with him super tricky. At this point, a pressure washer might be needed. But I digress...). So, with that in mind, I thought we should take a minute to discuss some of our all-time favorite book boyfriends who would make lousy real life boyfriends.

Hero: The sexy hitman

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
While I loved pretty much everything about Javier from Good Behavior (which was tragically and cruelly cancelled, damn you TNT), let’s face it, he would’ve been tough to live with in real life. When he was clothed, at least. The rest of the time...um...what was I saying? Got distracted for a minute. But anyhoo, I have to think that when you’re dating a hitman, the chances of having to outrun the cops or finding dead bodies in your trunk are high, and who has time for that crap?

But for fantasy purposes only, here are our favorite sexy killers of all-time.

Hero: The recluse

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
Sure, living out in the middle of nowhere and hiding from people SOUNDS like a great idea. But as a person who once lived in the country, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, because about the time you realize you’re out of chocolate and have to drive 40 minutes to the nearest town to get a damn bag of M&Ms, you find that living amongst people isn’t so bad after all. And don’t even get me started on country roads in the winter time. Boo!!

But for funsies, here are our favorite sexy recluses.

Hero: Angsty, tortured guy

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
Angsty, tortured guy is hot, no doubt. But chances are you could ask this guy what he wanted for dinner and it’d trigger some kind of horrific memory from his childhood and he’d spend the evening spiraling. You’d have to coddle him the rest of the night. Deciding what to have for dinner is an important, tough decision and I just don’t have time for the spiraling and coddling.

Other than Dean Winchester, here are a few of our favorite tortured, angsty heroes.

Hero: Rock star

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
Do you want ten thousand scantily clad women flashing their boobs at your boyfriend every night? Enough said.

But on paper—or on our Kindles—they’re awesome. Here are some of the greatest rockstar heroes and heroines EVER.

Hero: Stepbrother

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
Aren’t family holidays awkward enough without adding THIS to the equation?

But for step brother romance done right, check out Penelope Ward’s Stepbrother Dearest.

Hero: Bad boy biker

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
“I wish I was Tara on Sons of Anarchy.” —Said no sane woman EVER. (I mean, we all saw that barbeque fork thing, right? And the time she was almost kidnapped by Jax’s enemies and had her hand crushed in a van door? And the time she was charged with accidentally helping Otto kill a nurse and went to jail? Yikes!)

Hero: Vampire

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
Being 100% nocturnal so that you can be with your boyfriend and not have him burst into flames just isn’t practical. And then there’s the whole “he needs blood to survive” thing. I’m just not sure I’d want to be a walking blood bag for my boyfriend. I mean, I don’t even like to heat up leftovers for other people. Donating blood to a creature of the night on a regular basis seems...tiring. And the idea of him eating other people is equally unappealing. It’s just problematic all around.

But regardless, we do adore our vampire book boyfriends.

Hero: Werewolf (or any hero that shifts into an animal)

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Why he’d make a lousy boyfriend IRL
I’m guessing that anyone who can shift into an animal is also a nature lover. I have a strict “I’ll avoid you if you avoid me” policy where nature is concerned.

But if you’re OK with nature (to each his own, I suppose), you’ll probably also love these shapeshifter book boyfriends.